The first voicemail message
Hello Ben. This is Leslie. I just thought you should know that I have your computer, and you didn’t log out of your blog account. What that means is that if you’re not home in thirty minutes watching The Cutting Edge with me by noon, I will post a blog that will be very embarrassing to you on your own account. This message will self destruct after you listen to it, in five seconds. *Indistinguishable noise*
The second voicemail message
Benjamin Alexander Andrea Allen Alma Alfred A–Asphyxiation Yancer. It is 12:18. I think you should check your blog when you get home. Or just now. Okay, Ben. Hm. Yeah I’m still here. And still here. But I’m gonna hang up now. Hmm. Hmm. It’s too much work. Okay, I’m just gonna wait for it to cut me off and I’ll hang up. Beep Beep Beep. Alright, new post. I’m a small boy. I’m just a small boy. Okay, we have a title. I’m just a small boy. I hope you’re really bored right now as you’re listening to this. This isn’t meant to be entertaining. I’m just a small boy. What can I write that’s embarrassing about you? How bout the “It’s hard to find.” It’s. Oh, that’s the part. Ooh. I’m just a small boy dot dot dot it’s hard to find. Ha ha ha ha. Dangit. What’s going on here? Dot dot dot. It’s hard to find. That isn’t it. Maybe I won’t do that. But I will finish. Hey, Ben. It won’t hang up for me. It just waits for me. That’s amazing. Kay, so, I’m gonna go now.
The third voicemail message
You know, I really just wanna watch this movie. It’s 12:40. Come home and take your three hour lunch break like you do every other day. You’re usually here by now. What’s going on? You know what? I’m starting to think that maybe you’ve watched this already, because it was opened. That’s right, mister. I’m a little detective. I’m, call me, just call me Veronica Mars. Or Leslie Mars, whatever. Anyways. What I’m thinking is that you already watched it, and that I can watch it now. I’ve been afraid to watch it on my own till now because you were like, “We were gonna watch it together. We bought it so we could watch it together.” Whatever. Now you already watched it without me, and I’m sitting here like a fool waiting for you to come home so I can watch it with you or at least watch it while you’re in the house. And even then you’re prolly, “I don’t want to watch it. I wanna watch Friends.” Or, “We can’t watch it now. I don’t have time.” Whatever. You’re the hussy. Try to play me? I will not be fooled!