I‘ve figured out how Alias is going to end. It’s pretty obvious, actually.

“Not Francie” will surface (because no one ever really dies on Alias), and she’ll join forces with Anna Espinosa, who is now a double of Sydney Bristow.

Anna will say, “Hey, becoming a Syndey double is the most exciting thing I’ve done since the middle of first season. You should become one, too! It’ll be super fun! No one will ever see it coming!”

“Not Francie” will say, “You’re right! That’s ingenious! I will become a Sydney double, but only if we find Syd’s old friend Will and put a bomb in his brain . . . again!”

“That does sound fun, and plausible, but why not just make him into a Sydney double, too?!” Anna will say.

“You’re right!” “Not Francie or Syd” will reply. “I don’t know what I was thinking. Making Will into a Sydney double is a perfect plan!”

And so “Not Francie” will become “Not Francie or Syd” and Will will become “Once Will, Now Syd, But Not Really.”

But “Not Francie or Syd” and Anna won’t stop there.

“Why not turn everyone Sydney Bristow has ever loved into Sydney doubles?” Anna will say.

And “Not Francie or Syd” will chime in, “Another brilliant idea! Let’s!”

They’ll find Weiss, Irina, and of course Vaughn, and perhaps even Emily and Syd’s fiance Danny from first season (because no one ever really dies on Alias), and turn them all into Syd doubles.

Then “Not Francie or Syd” and Anna will join forces with Sloane, who has turned evil yet again (or has he?), and they’ll convince him that the most sure fire way to honor the memory of his dead daughter Nadia is for him to become a Syd double, too. And it will take them a few intense moments to convince him, filled with intense eyes and lots of questioning and doubting his faith in Rembaldi.

By turning all the elusive Alias characters into Syd doubles, everyone involved will profit. The diehard fans will get to see all their beloved characters return for the show’s finale. Meanwhile, the producers won’t have to figure out a way to fund and convince all the actors that have left the show to come back. By making Syd doubles, they’re able to bring these characters back into the show without having to actually bring the actors back who played those characters. Where it used to be they needed Lena Olin to play Irina Derevko and Michael Vartan to play Michael Vaughn and Merrin Dungey to play Francie Calfo, now all they need is Jennifer Garner. She can play all of those roles. It’s perfect.

Once Sloane is a Syd double, there begins the real trouble. Jack, Dixon, Marshall, and all the new yuppie APO agents (whose names I don’t know because they aren’t integrally important to the world of Alias by any means) won’t know which Syd is the real Syd. There’ll be a big showdown, with a room full of Syds, and they’ll have to figure out a way to distinguish between the Syds. Who will be able to tell the real Syd from the others?

In the last possible moment, Sark will show up, and, somehow, he alone will be able to distinguish the real Syd. Not even Jack will be able to figure it out, though he’s Syd’s father and you think they’ve formed this deep bond over the last five years. No.

But that’s because the real Syd doesn’t want to be found. And Jack isn’t really her father. Syd and Sark have secretly been in cahoots this whole time, deceiving everyone. Sark approached Syd long before Sloane ever did, and they hatched a master plan which has been playing out like clockwork ever since.

They made Page 47. They wrote The Prophecy.

Jack, Vaughn, Sloane, Irina, and all the rest have just been pawns.

And Syd’s name isn’t really Sydney Bristow.

Finally

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angelajoy

You’re a bad person, Ben Yancer. Sydney is good. She has to be… Or does she? This is hilarious, though. And maybe they could make baby Isabella a Syd duplicate too. (No, I can’t actually watch the show, I just have to read the recaps online…) Anyway.

Katie

I’m without words. I waver between, “This man is just twisted enough to actually be an Alias writer!” and “No wonder he’s not writing for Alias!”

But it did make me laugh. And I’m with you on the new characters. I don’t know their names either.

Laura

Ben, you are a genius. I’m going to link to this because there isn’t a more plausible solution.

One thing, though…Nadia isn’t dead.

😉

Lorie

I used to be an Alias fan, but I’m not even interested in the final episodes. As your blog posting so inexplicably denoted, the whole plot has become twisted beyond my capability to be intrigued. Is anyone else ever bothered that Jack has only one facial expression no matter what emotion he’s exuding? Oh, bother!

Les

My favorite part of the last episode is when the geek nerd guy says “they used an encrypted router” and holds up what is clearly a LinkSys that you can get at BestBuy for about $30.

Ha! Funny, I tell you this show is comedy gold.

What? You don’t get why that’s funny? Well, uh, that probably says good things about you.

Ashley

Well gee, wish I’d watched the show, like ever…

:)

Scott

The fatal flaw with your plot is how derivitive it is.

“I am Sparticus.”
“No, I am Sparticus.”

Or is it V, from V for Vendetta? Or maybe Kirk in Undiscovered Country?

Now if everyone became a Syd look alike, but Syd was actually posing as Sark . . . great, my madness has just begun.

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